Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 8 - 40 Works In 40 Days

Oh lord, I've gotten behind with my posting. Today is Day 10 of my 40 Works In 40 Days project, but I still haven't posted days 8 or 9. I actually wanted to post day 8 by itself because it was pretty significant to me. So this is about day 8, which was Wednesday October 31. Halloween. 

I have mentioned lately about my worries about my job-quitting-decision/situation/money a million times over. It has been something I have not been able to shake. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how if I had just toughed it out at my day job, I would have all this money to pay all my bills and buy things and put money in savings and life would be great. But then I think about the person that that job was turning me into and it helps ease the thoughts about money. My worrying has obstructed my creative process in a HUGE way. How can creative thoughts flow freely when a thousand worries are flying around your head at warp speed? They just can't. 

So on Halloween, way late into the night, I started making a list. I made a list first (and most important by far) of things I was grateful for. Even stupid things, like finding a quarter on the ground that allowed me to complete a full cycle of laundry. Life is about the little things. Then I made a list of things I did not miss about my day job and about the bitchy (sorry, don't mean to offend anyone) person it had turned me into. 

Then I decided to start on my day 8 art. So for the past few weeks or so, I have been working on multiple logos for people who have contacted me saying they like my work and want me to design a logo for them. Maybe one of the most flattering things ever. So I said yes to all of them. First thing I've learned: take a deposit. Because some not-so-awesome people just take your design and disappear. Neat! Too bad for them I have a close friend who is an attorney and emails count as a contract. Second thing I learned: I don't think logos are for me. While I try to have thick skin, when someone returns your design to you upwards of 20 times asking for changes/alterations/remove this/add that... it really makes you doubt your abilities. I don't like it. I work like an explosion and don't like anyone telling me what to do and not do.

Aaaanyway, back to day 8. After making "the list," I flung paint and ink EVERYWHERE because I was so frustrated about EVERYTHING. And by everywhere I mean I'm pretty sure I lost the security deposit I put down on this apartment, if I ever decide to move. After that, I decided to use some of the inspiration/sketches from various logo projects. Just glue them down and make marks and paint stuff and not worry about what people think. It felt amazing. 

Random sidenote: if anyone recognizes the face in this work, it's from a sketch from a clothing line project I've been working on whose owner is amazing and exempt from my rants :)

So if you are still reading (yes I know I'm long-winded), after I went to sleep on day 8 and woke up on day 9, I decided to stop worrying about EVERYTHING. No matter what happens, I will be fine. The purpose of this project was to make me think and make me realize that I want this SO BADLY. So yesterday and today, the floodgates have opened and I cannot create art fast enough. It's almost 1am and I am already excited to wake up tomorrow and start on the things that I won't have time to finish today. 

Here are a couple works that were borne once I removed my negative thoughts:

Both of course available in my Etsy shop. But the ideas I have are pouring out like a dam is breaking, like what happened when I very first quit my job, before all the worrying set in. It's like I'm renewing my faith in why I know this will work. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the crappiest most wannabe blogger ever because so much stuff goes on in my head and I try to talk about it and people just must think, "What the hell?" But I guess that's just me. I'm the idiot who quit my job with the comfortable salary to live a zero-guarantee life of making and selling things that I create. 

I know that I'm not an idiot. But everyone has inner battles. This project (and also the job-quitting experience) has taught me more since September 7 than I have learned in my entire 29 years of existence. 


  1. Am totally in love with your Day 8 piece!!. I imagine that you're portraying yourself with million things in your mind? Those beautiful circles mean million beautiful things, which you're going to overcome, conquer and succeed!. The other 2 artwork are totally gorgeous too. Very detail and sweet zentangle work!. Hugs.

    1. You are dead on with your insight on that piece :) I actually didn't even realize it at first, but when I got done with frantic cutting and gluing, I realized I was trying to portray what was going on inside of my head. You continue to encourage and inspire me Shahrul, I am so grateful :)

  2. Some say that deep angst causes deep art from artists. This post looks that way! Beautiful! I especially feel and LOVE the top piece.

    1. I like that idea, a lot :) Plus, flinging paint and splattering everywhere just feels good when you are completely pissed off :)You are awesome, thank you so much for your kind words.

  3. Wow...can I ever relate! First of all, I love all of the art you posted up here...gorgeous! I'm especially drawn to the Shake It Off piece because that's what I need to do right now. So, I have a client that was everything you described wrapped into one lovely package...made me do 20 million revisions and now won't pay the $500 left that she owes me for the 3 months of time I spent on her project (she yelled at me on many occasions for not being available after hours and on weekends, even after I explained that that was family time). I need to let it go, but I'm so irked that people are willing to take advantage of someone else like that.
    Anyway, I can also so relate to your experience with being stuck in a comfortable job that you hate and that changes who you are. I have a bachelors degree in engineering and tried working as an engineer for a few years. I was MISERABLE. Every day I would go into the bathroom and cry. I had stomach aches all the time. I always wondered why I couldn't just suck it up like the others, but every day in that office was agonizing because I felt like I was wasting my life. I would not go back for anything!
    You have incredible talent and drive and I know you are going to be successful with it; in fact, I think you already are. Sometimes life is about having fun on that winding, unknown, bumpy's about the journey! I know you know that...just reaffirming. :)

    1. Ahhh!! While it feels good to know you can relate, it is absolutely SAD to realize that there are so many awful clients out there. I was talking to my brother about the situation I have going on and he pretty much told me once you give people the power of choice, they will use it to the extreme and try to get you to create this "perfect" idea that will never actually exist. And he told me about the magic of making people pay deposits, which I am definitely going to be doing in the future. The couple people that I'm working with who are wonderful are the saving grace of this whole mess.
      Reading about your job situation hit pretty close to home too. I would also get stomach aches and especially on Sunday nights I would feel almost physically ill thinking about how much time I would spend at work in the five upcoming days. It was awful. While jobs like that are totally fine for some people, there are people like us who are meant to do something more. That's why I am not letting go of the hope that I can make this work, because it feels SO RIGHT. Somehow I think the difficult journey is going to make the reward that much better, knowing that I worked my ass off for it.
      Have I mentioned how happy I am to have met you? You have quickly become one of my biggest inspirations :)

    2. Hey again :) Yeah, I just can't fathom doing something like that to another person. I don't know if it's intentional, or just a self-entitlement attitude, but that client I mentioned is not the first of her kind I have run into, unfortunately. I wonder if there are just some people who seek out nice people to have their way with. I think your brother is on to something big there. Sounds like pretty much what happened in my situation, only with some other things added in. I'm glad that you have some wonderful clients to make up for the bad ones! Way to stay positive! LOL.
      I'm so happy to have met you too!!! It's nice to be able to relate and have so much in common with another person, even if you are far away :) Yay for the internet! And ditto about the inspiration! I'm hooked to your work and overall presence.
      And I think you are so right about the journey making the reward better. If it was easy, everyone would do it! The mere fact that you are willing to take the risk says a lot annnddd can make it more rewarding too. I'm big time rooting for you :)